Eat the damn chocolate cake, get your hair wet, love someone, dance in those muddy puddles, tell someone off, draw a picture with crayons like you’re still 6 years old and then give it to someone who is very important to you. Take a nap, go on vacation, do a cartwheel, make your own recipe, dance like no one sees you, paint each nail a different color, take a bubble bath, laugh at a corny joke. Get on that table and dance, pick strawberries, take a jog, plant a garden, make an ugly shirt and wear it all day. Learn a new language, write a song, date someone you wouldn’t usually go for, make a scrap book, go on a picnic, relax in the sun, make your own home video, kiss the un-kissed, hug the un-hugged, love the unloved, and live your life to the fullest. So at the end of the day, you’ll have no regrets, no sorrows, no disappointments.
A sudden time warp that led me to visualize myself in the future. Here I am, an uncertain kid trying to figure out things when I can barely decide on what to wear in the morning. i try to recuperate all of my thoughts and hoping to form something concrete. I know I can’t specifically dictate everything, though sometimes I tend to be a control freak that leads to frustration then disappointment. From now on, I will let things flow. With a vision, a dream I have in mind, with all of my aspirations maybe then I’ll end up in that Someplace, somehow. I only want a few things in life and I only want a few things that I would be doing with my life, let me share with you a montage of my dreams:
“Books are the plane, and the train, and the road. They are the destination, and the journey. They are home.”
― Anna Quindlen
I see myself having read a hundred books or more in 10 years time, hopefully I have traveled to lands beyond where I stand (in a geographical sense) and traveled to more wonderlands beyond the borders of this world. Because…
You may say I’m an escapist, but I know how to live in the reality of many and at the same time, my own. I would be traveling, I’d be sailing the world, who knows if I’d be married then. Or if I ever will. (Haha) Kudos to my future husband who can bear with my selfishness of food and time and my mood swings from I love you to I hate you get away from me. But if ever, we’d be sharing our dreams, I’d be writing poetry, he’d be designing graphic novels creating new heroes and of course, I’d be his heroine (Nuks).
In 10 years time, I would be writing still. By that time I’d be doing it more than ever. I would have shared my words with a great number of people already and hoping that I have changed more lives with them. I’d be writing novels, who knows I’d be a playwright too. I’d be directing films or writing for one.
(Oh and this would be a perfect travel journal)
I would be a full blown artist too, hah. Making art for a living. That oughta be nice. Graphic design, events, advertising, sculpting, anything, I’ll be doing it then!
A photographer, I shall be too. I already am but, I’d be a great one someday.
I’d have a coffee or pastry shop too. The ambiance would be lovely, a perfect place to get creative, to relax, to think. The place to have hushed conversations and exchange of smiles. The place to enjoy good food, read and write.
Since I love drawing on people’s skin and on my own. I’d be a tattoo artist. Ahh, just thinking about it gets me excited!
I’d have my own line of clothes too, selling DIY crafts, and other thinga-mabobs.
I’d written melodies turned to songs and made a crowd dance and sing.
I’d also have a cozy house of my own by then.
"I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question." - Harun Yahya
I won’t have a specific place to be, all I know is that I would be traveling. A lot. But I wouldn’t mind to settle in a cozy home, drinking tea, sitting on my porch, having my loved ones with me, a journal at hand, writing about how amazing the past 10 years have been.
There you go, those are some of what I’ve managed to translate into words and visuals. I know I still have a lot to learn and discover. But this is a start. I know that whatever or wherever I end up, is where I’m meant to be. :)
(First illustration is mine, credits to the photo owners.)
Time flies so fast eh? I just borrowed a book from the library last week and it’s already due tomorrow. (My common expression, but I borrow books every tuesday and/or thursdays)
Everything is just dawning on me. It’s already 10.25.13 soon it’ll be 12.31.13 and then January 2014, my birth month, and then I’m 19. Like woah woah woah there. I haven’t even posted photos of my debut and like fly fly fly it’s already 2014 and what happened in between? A LOT. I just wanna write for the sake of writing. Writing is therapy. And I sure need this kind of therapy so I’d keep track of things. I don’t know if this is normal but I sorta feel like my dreams and reality are reversed. Fragments of my supposed dream have occurred already or are occurring in reality and when I’m dreaming I feel like it’s reality. I don’t know if that makes sense.I’m not on drugs btw haha sometimes I think maybe I’m a character that has a certain mental syndrome or something. My synesthesia has dreary days that makes me utmost nauseous. I dare not to explain it to anyone anymore for it complicates things. I just have momentary zoning out and staring into space. It’s kinda fun tho, if you enjoy it. Anyway, nuff about that. Let me write down random things;
I feel sleepy already, I’ve been waiting for a phone call but it seems like sandman sprinkled dust on my eyes already. Guten nacht.
Yes, I lose my temper at times, go silent like someone just clicked the silent profile on a phone, not talking for I do not see the point in conversing with other people for small talks when I don’t feel like it. I feel sad and an emotionally unstable teenager from time to time, scream, snicker, rant and when you hug me I sometimes just cry and leave tears on your shoulder without hugging back.
I get mad. But mostly at myself, for I do not understand myself, my fucked up feelings, and incoherent thoughts. I say the wrong words and regret saying half of them after. That is the reason why I do not want to talk to anyone, even just for a day. I want my pride to subside, the feeling of rejection, and other feelings that I need to sort out in solitude and silence. I don’t want to be forced to be okay because the honesty I have with myself is all I’ve got. I am not okay. I am not okay with talking about it yet. I am not okay and I don’t understand.
Yes, I can be selfish and unforgiving because I have the right to do so. I have this mix of hate and pity and anger towards myself when I can’t fathom things and it frustrates me. But after the given time, and mostly it only lasts for a day, I can discern my wrongs and accept my mistakes. You only have to respect why I am the way I am when I’m like that. I’m not all miss goody two shoes and I don’t have everything under control. And I dare to be honest with myself. I am a cheerful and bubbly person and that doesn’t mean I’m evil when I feel the otherwise because I am allowed to do so, I am allowed to feel, I am allowed to be. I am a reserved person and I choose who I share my stories to. I don’t go around saying I have this problem, and that or anything. That’s why I am often misunderstood (I suppose). Because I rarely open and share my problems. And when I do, I trust you like a kid who believes there’s Santa Claus, like a kid making a pinky promise and telling of her imaginary dragon friends at the playground and expect you to keep it safe.
I often have this notion that I am the black sheep, the gray cloud although most of the time I want to be the sun beaming positivity to everyone (ironic huh? wait for the next part), but isn’t that a negative way of viewing one’s self? Is it humility? Is it destructive? Give me time to ponder. I will surely come running, towards you, hugging you and probably and inevitably I will cry. I am selfish, just because I care too much. And when I get hurt, I really get hurt. The things is, when I love you. I love you. When you’re my friend, you are my friend in the truest sense and not the cliche one. I may argue and not talk sometimes. But that doesn’t mean I love you any less.
Here comes self-acceptance, I have to remind myself that it is my job to like myself and not others. I have to remind myself it is more important to forgive myself first so I can forgive others. It is okay to not be okay, but we do not have to be okay with not being okay forever. I am always trying to recuperate from my negative ways. To accept that, hey, you have your bad parts too! Everyone of us does, and you should learn to love yours, the good and the bad. I have to remind myself that it’s okay to be a little fucked up, to be confused and mad and ecstatic and sad and make mistakes and be foolish and scream and cry and then laugh the next and yeah— I have to remind myself that it’s okay to be human.